STAY
  • Home
  • About
  • Blog
  • Issues
    • Issue One
    • Issue Two
    • Issue Three
    • Issue Four
  • Contact
  • safe

don't stop your growing.

Picture
Picture

day two: when the card isn't reversed

5/24/2019

1 Comment

 
picture of one of my notebooks. i printed out the list of prompts for the 30-day challenge and stuck it on a page with black-and-white polka-dotted washi tape.
in case you've missed the post i made wednesday, i started a 30-day introspection journey, and i've invited you all to join me. every day presents you with a choice of prompts: a question and a classical piece. i made a playlist and everything. today is day two. it's not too late to join!

day two is: what harmful thoughts/actions of mine have brought me here? — to the tune of prokofiev's dance of the knights from his version of romeo & juliet.

i tried to start by journalling instead of drawing a tarot card straight away. in this instance, it proved to be a terrible decision. i started spiralling about every reason i think i am an awful person who makes the worst decisions. then, i decided that not only was i a screwup, i was also much too hard on myself, which only made me a worse person.

i had to close my journal.

i took out my tarot deck. i fully expected to draw a card saying that i was being too hard on myself (like the king of wands reversed) or that i was a failure/idiot (so many options here). to my surprise, i drew the queen of cups. upright.
Picture
The Queen of Cups from the Circo Tarot by Marisa de la Peña.
i resisted the temptation to just go: "whatever, i'll interpret this card as though it were reversed." there was a reason i drew this card upright, and i was determined to find it.

i think it's easy to forget where our shortcomings originated. we aren't like sleeping beauty, random gifts and curses bestowed upon us by fairies. we are a complex, but coherent whole.

yesterday, i had a therapy session during which i said: "i wonder if i'm not asking for the impossible. not from the world, but from myself. i want to keep all the things i love about myself — i want to stay creative, passionate, inspired, dramatic — but then i demand from myself stability, steadiness, temperance and consistency."

do you see what i mean? passion and stability rarely go hand in hand. i am passionate. i have whims and inspirations that consume me for hours, days, weeks. i create, and then i don't, and then i do. i am flighty and changeable. i switch gears often.

the queen of cups is always the queen of cups. she's the queen of cups when she's upright. she's the queen of cups when she's reversed. we're the same. we're ourselves when we achieve wonderful feats, and we're ourselves when we make monumental mistakes.

at the heart of the series of bad decisions that led to me burning out was doing for others. i did that because i am compassionate. compassion has caused my downfall, but it can also save me, should i learn to turn part of it inward.

i think that when it comes to whom we are, there is no good and bad. what heals can harm, and what harms can heal. we are ourselves: humans with characteristics and quirks, none of which are inherently positive or negative, all of which can be used to harm or to heal.
Picture

nadine

nadine (whatever pronouns; go wild) is changing all the time, yet always the same, and passionate about finding out how that works. Does not give up their search for meaning, ever. Unapologetically dramatic and wholly uninterested in lukewarm living. Can be found overthinking, asking uncomfortable questions, writing, or misusing the glitter emoji.

1 Comment
quality essay link
4/21/2020 02:44:28 am

You have to make do with the cards that you were dealt. We cannot all get the things that we want, but that is fine. In my opinion, as long as we try to do all sorts of jobs, then we can make do. I am not very good at a lot of things, but I try to compensate for it with my hard work. As long as I can work my hardest, then I know that I can show results.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    the club

    a small collective dedicated to personal, creative, and communal growths.

    Archives

    January 2021
    December 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    May 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019

    Categories

    All
    30 Day Challenge
    Artistry
    Becoming
    Books
    Enneagram
    Faith
    Fashion
    Gender
    Goal Setting
    Gray
    Guest Post
    Julia
    Just Thinking Out Loud
    Lgbt
    Love List
    M
    Music
    Nadine
    Poetry
    Politics
    Questioning
    Soap
    Survival Kits
    Tarot
    Trailblazers
    Weekend Sips

Proudly powered by Weebly
Photos from Stefans02, beggs
  • Home
  • About
  • Blog
  • Issues
    • Issue One
    • Issue Two
    • Issue Three
    • Issue Four
  • Contact
  • safe