don't stop your growing.
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I’ve been working on getting to know myself better these past years, and these past months especially. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve always felt driven by a deep need to help. What do others need me to do? On a less conscious level, this translates to: what do others need me to be? A slippery slope indeed! To be what I thought others needed me to be, I’ve tried so hard to be more sensible, reasonable, stable, temperate, normal and easily satisfied. I’ve tried to be less dramatic, weird, sensitive, demanding, flighty and complicated. I’ve tried to ask for less – attention, opportunities, love, help, consideration, resources – and give more. Spoiler alert: I burnt myself out. Several times. Now I’m burnt out again. I spent all of Monday afternoon crying. At one point I was so done and exhausted that I lied down on my kitchen floor to sob. And yes, I’m a dramatic person, but sobbing curled up on my kitchen floor? That’s a low point I hadn’t reached in years. On that jolly note, and in the spirit of getting to pay better attention to my inner voice, I am creating this 30-day challenge! Time to rest, think and listen to beautiful songs. This challenge starts tomorrow and ends on the first day of summer (or winter, if you’re in the Southern Hemisphere). If you want to join me, we’ll be reflecting and introspecting through different prompts. I have a playlist of one classical piece a day, and I have a list of prompts to go with it. This is a bit of a DIY mix-and-match: whether you want to use the prompts to interpret a tarot or oracle card, to journal, to spark a poem or drawing, or whatever else, is up to you. Do what you want! Ignoring the prompt and only using the song, using the prompt and ignoring the song, using both the prompt and the song, ignoring both the prompt and the song: all options are good. The important thing is just to look inward. The prompts are inspired by my current needs and meant to somewhat follow the phases of the Moon. I picked the songs to accompany and/or add to these prompts. They are all classical-ish. They’re among my favourites; you’ll notice I’m a big fan of Tchaikovsky, other Romantic composers, and first movements in general. I’m most definitely not sorry. If you want to use the next 30 days to look inward, too, please tell us about your thoughts!  30-Day Introspection Challenge to Welcome Summer Day 1: May 23 Prompt: Where am I in my life? (the calm after the storm) Song: Tchaikovsky’s Fourth Symphony, Second Movement Further thoughts: When Tchaikovsky wrote this Symphony, he was exceedingly depressed and recovering from a series of bad decisions: decisions that seemed good at the time and were every bit good-intentioned, but that had the major flaw of going against what he truly needed and wanted for himself (BBC). Traditionally, second movements of symphonies can be seen as “the calm after the storm.” Since this “calm after the storm” movement was actually written during the calm after a particularly destructive storm in the composer’s life, I think it’s perfect to kick off this challenge. Day 2: May 24 Prompt: What harmful thoughts/actions of mine have brought me here? Song: Prokofiev’s Romeo and Juliet, Dance of the Knights Day 3: May 25 Prompt: What helpful thoughts/actions of mine have brought me here? Song: Bach’s Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major, I. Prélude Day 4: May 26 Prompt: What do I need/want to learn through this challenge? Song: Beethoven’s Sixth Symphony (Pastorale), First Movement Day 5: May 27 Prompt: What is leaving me? Song: Schumann’s Kinderszenen, VII. Traumerei Day 6: May 28 Prompt: What are the things I haven’t allowed myself to grieve? Song: Pärt’s Spiegel im Spiegel Further thoughts: Sometimes there are wounds we don’t allow ourselves to take the time to feel hurt by. We may feel they are too small or insignificant, or that we were lucky in our misfortune, or that we are too privileged to complain. Allowing yourself the courtesy of feeling hurt by whatever hurt you is a big step towards self-compassion. Day 7: May 29 Prompt: How may I allow myself to grieve? Song: Grieg’s Peer Gynt, II. The Death of Ase Day 8: May 30 Prompt: What has May taught me? Song: Tchaikovsky’s The Nutcracker, Pas de deux Day 9: May 31 Prompt: What do I need to leave behind? Song: Górecki’s Third Symphony, Second Movement Further thoughts: On Day 5, we reflected on the things that were leaving us of their own accord, or at least, somewhat naturally. Today, we think of those things that may be more difficult to part with. Day 10: June 1 Prompt: How may I create silence? Song: Satie’s Gymnopédie No. 3 Further thoughts: I am using the theme of “silence” this New Moon. I still picked songs for every day of “silence,” but feel free to skip them and truly sit in silence if you think it would be beneficial and/or comfortable. This piece is, I think, a great way to ease into silence because it’s so quiet and slow. Day 11: June 2 (New Moon) Prompt: When there is silence, what do I hear from my mind? Song: Dvořák’s String Quintet in E-Flat Major, III. Larghetto Day 12: June 3 (New Moon) Prompt: When there is silence, what do I hear from my body? Song: Elgar’s Cello Concerto, First Movement Further thoughts: Allegedly, this melody came to Elgar when he woke up after an operation to get his tonsils removed, something that was quite dangerous for someone his age at the time (Wikipedia). Imagine you have been anesthetized and are just awaking. Your thoughts are blank. What is your body trying to tell you? Day 13: June 4 (New Moon) Prompt: When there is silence, what do I hear from my heart? Song: Vaughan Williams’s The Lark Ascending Day 14: June 5 Prompt: When there is silence, what do I hear from my soul? (“I believe…”) Song: Fauré’s Pavane Further thoughts: You may want to challenge yourself to write nonstop for a while. Every time you feel stuck, rewrite “I believe…” Day 15: June 6 Prompt: What does my heart long to offer the world? Song: Chopin’s Nocture No. 2 in E-Flat Major Further thoughts: Imagine that the world needs absolutely nothing. Imagine that the world doesn’t need you. Still you feel the urge to give. Give what? Day 16: June 7 Prompt: Why am I here? (“I am here to…” or “I am here because…”) Song: Elgar’s Cello Concerto, Fourth Movement Further thoughts: As for Day 14, you may want to challenge yourself to write nonstop for a while. Every time you feel stuck, rewrite “I am here to…” A possible variant, if you want to explore spirituality more than purpose, is “I am here because…” Day 17: June 8 Prompt: What nourishes me? Song: Holst’s Planets, Jupiter Further thoughts: This is not about your basic needs, but rather what fills you up spiritually, emotionally and/or intellectually. Another way to see this is: “What energizes me?” Day 18: June 9 Prompt: What am I passionate about? Song: Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons – Summer, I. Allegro non molto – Allegro Further thoughts: Is there a lot of overlap with yesterday’s answers? Why or why not? Day 19: June 10 Prompt: How do I feel after dancing? Song: Grieg’s Peer Gynt, III. Anitra’s Dance Further thoughts: This is the best dancing song in my opinion, but any other one will do. You could also replace dancing with anything you don’t usually do: run to the bus stop, skip down the street, balance on one foot while you floss, turn your head upside down for a minute, yell, “think six impossible things before breakfast,” whatever. Day 20: June 11 Prompt: What do I actually feel grateful for? Song: Holst’s Planets, Venus Further thoughts: Sometimes I think I should feel grateful for some things. The problem is I don’t actually feel grateful. Today, we find those things we do feel, in our hearts, grateful for. Leave out anything you don’t feel. Don’t force yourself to feel grateful. The idea here is not to have a long list, but an honest list. Day 21: June 12 Prompt: What feelings or states of mind do I want/need to have more of in my life? Song: Schubert’s Fifth Symphony, First Movement Day 22: June 13 Prompt: How may I make more space for these feelings or states of mind? Song: Tchaikovsky’s Violin Concerto, First Movement Day 23: June 14 Prompt: What temptations lure me away from these feelings or states of mind? Song: Dvořák’s Ninth Symphony, First Movement Further thoughts: From binge-watching tv series to catastrophizing to wanting to help others, anything works. Day 24: June 15 Prompt: Why do I find these temptations difficult to resist? Song: Liszt’s Liebestraume, No. 3 Nocturne Further thoughts: You may want to read up on the enneagram! Reading on the few types you find yourself likely to be could provide you with ideas for answers. Day 25: June 16 (Full Moon) Prompt: What am I ready to reap this Full Moon? Song: Smetana’s Má Vlast, No. 1 Vyšehrad Day 26: June 17 (Full Moon) Prompt: What has this 30-day challenge taught me so far? Song: Mozart’s Concerto for Flute, Harp and Orchestra, Second Movement Day 27: June 18 (Full Moon) Prompt: What have I actually harvested this Full Moon? Song: Tchaikovsky’s Serenade for Strings in C Major, I. Pezzo in forma di Sonatina Further thoughts: On Day 25, we contemplated what we thought we were ready to reap. What did we really reap? More? Less? Something else entirely? Day 28: June 19 Prompt: How do I shine? Song: Grieg’s Peer Gynt, I. Morning Mood Day 29: June 20 Prompt: How may I shine more? Song: Dvořák’s Slavonic Dance No. 2 Day 30: June 21 (Summer Solstice) Prompt: How may I make the best of this summer? Song: Debussy’s La Mer, I. De l’aube à midi sur la mer Further thoughts: I hope you listen to the song and feel it send you off on a wonderful adventure. Do the final chords lift you up and fill your soul like they do for me? I hope so. Even if it doesn’t, you’ve made it through. I wish you all the best.  a printable list of the daily prompts.
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